He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
