the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
