Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
