Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
