just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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