Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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