I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
another moral hangover. fuck.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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