Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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