i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
