I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
