did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
