the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
cat food counts as protein by the way
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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