Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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