...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
did i just pee glitter
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
