i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
