once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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