I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
