I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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