Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
