I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.