How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches