Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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