hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How does one acquire holy water?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
