I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
