Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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