At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
