i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
