once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
