Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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