If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
