Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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