Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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