I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
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Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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