three words: i give head
three words: not that well
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
