so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
