I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
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He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
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Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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