Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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