It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
