today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
