The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
