I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
