Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
