So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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