Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
