last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
