If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
