How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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