Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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