I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
