Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dignity is for republicans.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
