We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
