im about as happy as oj after his trial
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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