the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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