He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
