My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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